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Who needs a glass of wine?
The Virgin Mary needs
a glass of wine.



Because finding out you are pregnant with the Son of God via the Angel Gabriel is rather intimidating, at least compared to other versions of E.P.T.s. Because a virginal conception*…yep, that’s right, where is the fun in that?!

 Because your boyfriend, a poor carpenter named Joseph, initially rejected you and then only reconsidered after realizing you might be stoned to death…and, in addition, let’s just agree that a little voice in his head might have told him that it would be advantageous to stay the course.

  Because being pregnant is hard enough but being pregnant as a 12-year-old is positively harrowing, especially when your new husband is 90 years of age and forgot to pack the overnight bag for the delivery room… no music / no movies / no magazines / no new clothes / no nothing.

 Because you lacked health insurance and the best that anyone could offer for a birthplace was a meager manger, in the poor city of Bethlehem.

 Because God said so.

 *a little note of Catholic Doctrine: the Immaculate Conception refers to Mary’s birth and NOT the birth of Yahweh, her son. While conceived in the biblical sense, Mary had to be born without original sin so that she could then give birth to the Son of God.

Lordy, if childhood wasn’t stressful enough, Mary had to grow up without the labes. As pure as the driven snow she was (though she had no clue what snow was).

 Mary / Μαριάμ  / מִרְיָם, / مريم we raise our glass to you!


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Who needs a glass of wine? 

Antiochus IV Epiphanes needs a glass of wine. 


Because you ruled the land of Judea from afar (Damascus)

and failed to connect with the people.

Because you were called the "Mad One" (Epimanes) as you only consumed

a diet of Big Macs / Filet-O-Fish / Diet Cokes, as opposed

 to the much more healthy, local diet of tabbouleh / baba ghanoush / fattoush.

Because a literal line in the sand was drawn around you by Roman Ambassador, Gaius Popillius Laenas…and you blinked! you blinked!

(if only Cersei Lannister was by your side, 

god knows what you might have done with the Ptolemy kingdom in Egypt).

Because oppressive rule never works.

As an example…you prevented the people from worshipping their God

and practicing their customs and the result was one

Judah Maccabee (aka, Judah the Hammer),

who then proceeded to kick your arse in battles

that your superior force should have easily won. 

Because you defiled the oil in the Temple…

and you never touch the oil in the Temple!

Mithradates / Antiochus / Ἀντίοχος Δ΄ ὁ Ἐπιφανής, 

we raise a half-hearted glass to you!

Happy Hanukkah to all our friends and family.

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Who needs a glass of wine? 
Santa Claus needs a big glass of wine. 

Because last January 2nd, he started working on all the new toys and presents
for the kids of the world and the task is almost complete

(except that I am not getting the McFarlane Building Sets: South Park edition I asked for
due to a minor transgression against my younger brother in the summer...
all that good little boys and girls crap has ruled me ineligible, apparently). 

Because Italy did not qualify for the World Cup this coming summer, in Russia, 
and Santa is a big fan of calcio (his favorite squad is Juventus, La Vecchia Signora)…
a World Cup without Italy is like a Christmas Eve without cookies and milk
to greet him upon his arrival at everyone’s home. 

Because, even after 50 years, I still believe in Santa...
and no one can convince me that those sleigh tracks

and paw prints on the roof of my childhood home at 7 Rolland Road
came from anyone / anything other than him.

Because the polar ice cap is shrinking and what was once a palatial estate, 
with many, many, many miles of barren tundra to the nearest body of water
is now a cottage on wooden pilings, surrounded by sandbags, 
with narwhals lounging on the front steps. 

Because Russia has been hacking his email for the past five years
and is about to release correspondence between him and St. Nicholas, in which they:
 -plan the demise of the Easter Bunny and St. Valentine; 

-agitate for the official separation of Christmas Island from Australian hegemony;
-reveal that Krampus is actually a disgruntled 14-year-old from Kazakhstan, 

trying to steal some of the holiday thunder. 

Santa Claus, we raise our glasses to you!