the Grinch 2025
Who needs a glass of wine?
The Grinch needs a big glass of wine.
Why?
Because his heart is two sizes too small.
According to the doctors at Johns Hopkins, this is not a good thing…in essence,
his heart is beating twice as fast as mine, all the time.
And this makes it almost impossible to perform any physical activities.
Which means he needs to stay in his lair all day, where the air quality is less than ideal.
In addition, he doesn’t have wifi or cable, since Spectrum cannot locate his residence at the top of the mountain.
All in all, the only creature comforts are the creatures that crawl all over the cave.
Because, and let’s be truly honest about this, Who-ville is a bastion of socialism…
all of this coming to together to sing and eat and play together…
damn, this sounds like Canada under the leadership of Justin Trudeau!
Because of the noise. Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
Like each of us, the Grinch was born with 16,000 hair cells within his inner ear.
And with all that singing coming from Who-ville,
amplified by the shape of the valley
(apparently, the decibel level is higher than an opening ceremony at a Virginia Tech football game),
he has experienced massive hearing loss.
There is now continued ringing in his ears and he barely hears his dog Max barking
whenever Scientologists are approaching the front door.
Because he hates the Who-pudding and the rare Who-roast-beast.
Well, Harvard Medical School has warned against the consumption of too much meat
(leads to colorectal cancer) and pudding (refined sugar consumption leads to heart disease +++).
If only those Whos down in Who-ville had a plant-based diet, with a little fish thrown in on Fridays,
maybe the Grinch would not be so ornery.
Maybe, just maybe, the Grinch is the first documented eco-warrior,
fighting for the future of our planet,
while those Whos down in Who-ville are coal-burning / one-time-use-plastic-loving depletionists.
Because, at 53 years of age, he finally got a wonderful, awful idea.
Uhmmmm, sounds like the educational system in Who-ville needs an overhaul,
as it relegated the young Grinch to the back of an over-crowded classroom,
with vitally out-of-date text books, taught by overworked and underpaid teachers.
He then got duped into attending a for-profit institution,
The DeVos College, in Springfield, MA., which went out of business in 1956.
Only through obsessive listening to the Revisionist History podcast
did the Grinch finally learn to start thinking.
Mr. Grinch, we raise our glasses to you!
*with absolute admiration, we also raise our glass to Dr. Seuss, creator of the words and images above.
Because of Dr. Seuss, our childhoods were filled with creatures of wonderment and stories of simple truths and awe.
Because of Dr. Seuss, a few folks ate the green eggs and ham and created the nonsensical world of terroir.